I was watching a television show the
other day and two women in their twenties were talking about love. One of the
women was married and the other had been dating a man for a few years. The
single woman was talking about getting married and asked the married woman how
she knew her husband was “the one”. In typical movie dialogue, the married
woman answered, “You just know it.” I don’t know why that answer bothered me so
much. Maybe because I thought it was a cop out answer. So I started to think
about it a while.
I thought back to when I met my
husband and how I knew he was “the one.” First, I would say that if I needed to
ask someone else about the man I was dating, marriage would not be part of the
discussion. If you can’t answer that
question on your own, then I would say either he is not the one or you do not
know him well enough to be thinking about marriage. Putting that aside and
taking marriage off the table I thought about when I met my husband. Ours was a
very unusual relationship. I lived in California and came out to Missouri to
visit a friend. I was not looking for love. In all fairness, he was not looking
for a relationship either.
So we met and right away I noticed
things about him that I was very attracted to. He was thoughtful, honest to a
fault, considerate, hardworking and kind. Our first date was not really met to
be a date. Every August there is a big meteor shower. Because of the clear
skies and the rural area the night sky is bright and clear, perfect for star
gazing. We were both in our 30’s and I was surprised that he had never watched
a meteor shower. We lowered the tailgate of the truck, he placed a thermos of
coffee between us and he sat on one end while I sat on the other end of the
tailgate. When I saw the first shooting star I told him to make a wish and he
asked me why. I could not believe he never heard of wishing on a falling star.
We sat like that looking at the sky for hours and talked about everything and
anything.
When I returned home to California,
there were a dozen red roses delivered to my door from him. He called to see if
I got the roses and asked if he could call me again. I said sure. He called every
night thereafter. Each night we would talk on the phone for hours. He invited
me to visit again in November for Thanksgiving weekend. Again a complete
gentleman, I stayed about 4 days and enjoyed every minute I was with him. I
knew I was falling in love with him, but had no idea what he was feeling. I
returned to California and we continued our nightly phone conversations. We
both enjoy sports and a lot of our conversations were about life and sports. In
our conversations we would kind of talk about what life would look like if we
were to get married.
By the first week of December he said,
“If we are going to get married I better get out to California, meet your
family and ask you dad”. I never questioned whether things were moving too
fast, if we really knew each other well enough. I knew I had never met anyone like him before
and there was an ease about him. Besides enjoying each other’s company, we also
shared common values. I knew I was in love with him and not just the idea of being
in love. I found myself thinking of him constantly, rerunning our conversations
over in my mind several times a day and waiting for the phone to ring every
night so we could talk again. He was due to arrive in California the week
before Christmas and I was nervous that my family would think this was moving
too fast. As it turned out, they saw the same things in him that I saw. They
loved him from the minute they met him. Next thing I knew we had plans to marry
on New Year’s Eve. Almost 5 months from the day we had met.
Fast forward 20 years and every day I
still see that same farm boy I met so long ago. He has never tried to be
anything other than who he is. Neither of us were looking for love, love found
us. I believe that because we were not looking for someone to complete our
lives, we were able to be ourselves. Every relationship is different and while
I would say that marring someone 5 months after you have met them is not the
advice I would give to someone, the most important advice I would give someone
is to make sure you are getting married for the right reasons. Don’t marry
because you are lonely, because all your friends are married or because you are
unhappy with your life. Marriage will not solve any of those issues. Have a
good sense of the person you are going to marry. See how they handle disappointment,
anger and hard times. Make sure you don’t see their potential and think you are
going to somehow change them. If there are any red flags do not think that
marriage will take care of them. If you do not love them as they are then love
yourself enough to walk way.
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