Showing Compassion 52 Weeks A Year

From Thanksgiving to New Years, for about 6 weeks a year we find compassion for others. Sure throughout the year we may do a random act here and there for someone. However, during the “Holiday Season” we take food to the needy, send cards, give thanks, offer words of kindness and give to charities. But, what about the other 46 weeks of the year, what do we do?

It does not cost anything to tell someone that we love them, to give thanks, to give your time to soup kitchen or visit strangers at the VA, a nursing home, patients in hospice or just to be kind to others. Most all of us have enough food in our cabinets to fill up a bag that we can give to someone in need. It cost very little to send a card to let someone know you are thinking of them or to even give as little as a $1.00 a month to a charity that is close to your heart.

For a lot of people we get so caught up in our everyday life during the year that we don’t even notice that we are too busy to pay attention to how we treat others. We don’t notice that we are sometimes rude to those around us. We forget to edit ourselves and what we say or the tone in which we speak. We disregard acts of kindness and instead of saying thank you we come to expect them. We listen to gossip and even participate in it. We make excuses for our bad behavior or even try to justify it.

The hard work is to acknowledge our short comings. While we may have good intentions, to others what they see is that moment when we act like idiots and seem as if we don’t have an ounce of compassion in our hearts.  We need to take a step back and define ourselves every day, not just 6 weeks out of the year. We have to decide to be more aware, be more kind; loving and true to whom we really are in our hearts.

I am the first to hold up my hand and say I fall short of the person I want to be. I remember a song I learned many years ago.

 “Let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me.
Let there be peace on earth, the peace that was meant to be.
With God as our father, brothers all are we.
Let me walk with my brother, in perfect harmony.

Let peace begin with me; let this be the moment now.
With every step I take, let this be my solemn vow.
To take each moment and live each moment, with peace eternally.
Let there be peace on earth, and let it begin with me.”

This is the person I want to be 52 weeks of the year. There is enough craziness, loneliness and hate in the world. My goal is to make a big change in my life and live every day with a purpose of compassion.

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Life Is What You Make It

I remember when I was a kid, my Mom babysat, ironed other peoples clothes and did typing so that she could stay at home with us kids. My Dad worked as much overtime as he could to make sure our family's bills were paid and to put food on the table. When we got older and were all in school, both my Mom and Dad worked full time. My Dad would often work 6 days a week,10 hours a day. My Mom would come home from work, change clothes, make dinner, do dishes and check that we had our homework done. On Saturdays, she would do laundry, go grocery shopping and us kids would help her clean the house. This was our routine.

At 18 years old I was sure I knew it all and had everything figured out. I got married and a year later found myself expecting a baby. I guess I was lucky, because I found out when I was a teen, that I knew nothing. My marriage was full of problems. My husband could not keep a job, there was domestic abuse and he drank. Those, believe it or not, were the easy problems in our marriage. My parents sat me down and told me to figure life out fast before my baby was born. I knew that was not the life I wanted for my child, so I left my husband and filed for a divorce.

I got an apartment about a block north of my parents. They urged me to go back to school, get a college degree and a job. They offered to help care for my daughter if I would do those things. It seem impossible and I looked around and saw other single mom's on welfare, food stamps and section 8 housing that appeared to be making out okay. But my parents insisted that I look at the big picture. So I enrolled in college and was lucky to find a full time job there as well.

One thing led to another and at twenty, I found myself in the police academy. I worked full-time as a police officer for many years. While working, I continued to go to school full-time and earned my bachelor’s degree. It was not the easy road but I was trying to build a future for myself and daughter. My parents were my biggest cheerleaders. There were no “party years”, no easy ride. My time away from school and work, for the most part, was spent with my daughter and parents.

When the opportunity to attend Law School came my way my parents urged me to take it. Within months of starting Law School, I got a job at a Law Firm working full-time evenings and weekends. By the time I earned my Doctorate in Law I thought I caught a glimpse at the light at the end of the tunnel. After I graduated, I continued working at the Law Firm and also taught classes at a local college and at a University. I had bought a house, but spent very little time there. By now my daughter was in high school and a girls youth group. She was in the marching band and my social life consisted of attending her school events. My Tuesday nights and most weekend were spent with her youth group. It seemed that I was always on my way somewhere and slept whenever I could grab a few hours. I felt as if I should be doing more. Like I was letting life slip through my fingers.

In my late thirties I re-married and moved to a small rural town in Missouri. My daughter was in college by then. Jumping ahead to my fifties, I am still looking for that light at the end of the tunnel. Yes, I could have done things differently. But then maybe I would not be where I am today and I feel blessed to be where I am at this point in my life. As a daughter, wife, mother and grandma I do the best I can. I have slowed down a bit, but still have a full plate. I have a job, help my husband on the farm and deal with some health issues.

I watch with awe as my baby has grown into a beautiful woman, wife, mother and daughter. I see her doing whatever she can to make a life for her family. She is always on the move. She home schools her kids, is involved in their youth activities, holds down a job, has her own business and helps her husband with his business. I look around at others her age and see a lot of them out at parties every weekend, then complaining about what a tough life they have. Every month these same people scramble to hit all the food pantries, family members, charities and government agencies to help them pay their bills.

Is there an easier way to live? Maybe. We all have to make choices in our lives.It's no one's job to make our life easy, it is up to us to do what we can to help our self. There will always be people standing on the outside passing judgment on our choices. But only we know the path we have walked. In my years I have learned that life is not always fair and that the things that are handed to us usually comes with strings. 

No matter how your life turns out, remember you are the artist and you have control. Don't let the canvas of your life stand un-painted and do not turn it over to someone else to paint. Pick up that paint brush and do the best you can. Then step back and admire the courage it took to paint your picture even if you have no artistic skills, it's still your painting.   https://www.facebook.com/ForSuchASeason

Negotiating Life

If you want life to go as smooth as possible the first skill you should master is the skill of negotiation. If you stop and think about it every thing you do, every interaction is a negotiation. You can set the tone and direction of each interaction as long as you keep in mind that you are always in negotiation. When you talk with your spouse about what color to paint the house, he may say “Whatever color you want dear.” And that may not seem like a negotiation but it is. Next month he may approach you and say “I picked out a new front door that I am going to install.” You may not like the door and ask him why he did not consult you first and he will say well I let you pick out the color so I picked out the door. Never assume that because it was simple and you got what you wanted that you are not in a negotiation.

Parents negotiate with their kids over chores, homework, friends and activities. Teachers negotiate with students. Employees negotiate with employers, husbands and wives negotiate, as do doctors and patients, buyers and sellers, friends and every other relationship you can think of. Have you noticed that some people seem to have an easier path in life? Most of the time, whether they know it or not they have learned the skill of negotiation.

Rule one, everybody wants to win. Never make an ultimatums, always leave some wiggle room. Rule two, even if it is personal issue, don’t make the negotiation personal. People close you off and stop listening to you when you make it personal. Rule three, be a good listener. Even acknowledge what the other person said to you by repeating part of it in your reply. Rule four, the most important part of negotiation is to get as much as you want without giving up your objective.  Find a way to pin point what is crucial to the person you are negotiating with and give them as much of it as you can in exchange for receiving  what you need. Rule five, control the tone on the negotiation. Do not let it get off topic, loud or emotional. If it does, take a step back and take a different approach.

Remember you have to be willing to discuss things; explain what you want and the reason why you want it. Be logical in your approach that includes your timing. Know your purpose, you mind and heart. Know your limits. Just as important you have to also know the boundaries of the person you are negotiating with. If you are asking your boss for time off, don’t ask on a day when you know they are swamped with work. If the answer is, I will think about it, don’t push because they can shut the door on your attempt.  Always understand who you are dealing with and have a clear attainable goal. Don’t go to your best friend and ask them to help you move the weekend of their wedding. Be thoughtful and considerate, it goes a long way. Instead tell your friend how excited you are that they are getting married that weekend. Clearly, no matter how good of a friend they are, they are not going to miss their wedding to help you move. Ask someone else to help you and avoid losing a friend over an unattainable goal.

When I was in Law School I took a class on negotiating. One of the books we had to read was “Win-Win, the art of Negotiating”.  The main points were to always know your bottom line, always find out what the other party wants, pick your timing and never make it personal. Those key points will help you no matter who you are dealing with. But it is imperative that you don’t take advantage of relationships. Don’t twist someone’s arm just because you can. That is not negotiating that is strong arming. Don’t use guilt to get you what you want. It may work in the short term but in the long run it will end up harming the relationship. 

If you use these tactics you will find that you avoid disagreements and get more of what you are after.  Try and negotiate with your credit card company. Point out to them that you always make your payments on time and have never missed a payment. Ask them to take that in consideration and to reduce your interest rate. In retune you can offer to continue to use their card. Go to your best friend that is planning a baby shower the same day and time as your anniversary party. Explain that instead of having your mutual friends pick which event to attend, that while neither of you want to change the date, maybe you can stager the times. That would be a win-win for both of you as each of you would also be able to attend the other’s party as well.

Ask your husband if he would be willing to help you paint the house and in return you will be willing to help him with one of his pet projects, like organizing the garage. Ask your boss for a raise and in exchange list some additional responsibilities you are willing to take on. Ask your kids to help you clean the house and let them know if everything gets done then you will take them on that picnic at the park they have been asking for.  Figure out what the person you are negotiation with really wants and if possible, offer it to them. Both of you will walk away happy.                                https://www.facebook.com/ForSuchASeason

How I Met My Husband

I was watching a television show the other day and two women in their twenties were talking about love. One of the women was married and the other had been dating a man for a few years. The single woman was talking about getting married and asked the married woman how she knew her husband was “the one”. In typical movie dialogue, the married woman answered, “You just know it.” I don’t know why that answer bothered me so much. Maybe because I thought it was a cop out answer. So I started to think about it a while.

I thought back to when I met my husband and how I knew he was “the one.” First, I would say that if I needed to ask someone else about the man I was dating, marriage would not be part of the discussion.  If you can’t answer that question on your own, then I would say either he is not the one or you do not know him well enough to be thinking about marriage. Putting that aside and taking marriage off the table I thought about when I met my husband. Ours was a very unusual relationship. I lived in California and came out to Missouri to visit a friend. I was not looking for love. In all fairness, he was not looking for a relationship either.

So we met and right away I noticed things about him that I was very attracted to. He was thoughtful, honest to a fault, considerate, hardworking and kind. Our first date was not really met to be a date. Every August there is a big meteor shower. Because of the clear skies and the rural area the night sky is bright and clear, perfect for star gazing. We were both in our 30’s and I was surprised that he had never watched a meteor shower. We lowered the tailgate of the truck, he placed a thermos of coffee between us and he sat on one end while I sat on the other end of the tailgate. When I saw the first shooting star I told him to make a wish and he asked me why. I could not believe he never heard of wishing on a falling star. We sat like that looking at the sky for hours and talked about everything and anything.

When I returned home to California, there were a dozen red roses delivered to my door from him. He called to see if I got the roses and asked if he could call me again. I said sure. He called every night thereafter. Each night we would talk on the phone for hours. He invited me to visit again in November for Thanksgiving weekend. Again a complete gentleman, I stayed about 4 days and enjoyed every minute I was with him. I knew I was falling in love with him, but had no idea what he was feeling. I returned to California and we continued our nightly phone conversations. We both enjoy sports and a lot of our conversations were about life and sports. In our conversations we would kind of talk about what life would look like if we were to get married.

By the first week of December he said, “If we are going to get married I better get out to California, meet your family and ask you dad”. I never questioned whether things were moving too fast, if we really knew each other well enough.  I knew I had never met anyone like him before and there was an ease about him. Besides enjoying each other’s company, we also shared common values. I knew I was in love with him and not just the idea of being in love. I found myself thinking of him constantly, rerunning our conversations over in my mind several times a day and waiting for the phone to ring every night so we could talk again. He was due to arrive in California the week before Christmas and I was nervous that my family would think this was moving too fast. As it turned out, they saw the same things in him that I saw. They loved him from the minute they met him. Next thing I knew we had plans to marry on New Year’s Eve. Almost 5 months from the day we had met.

Fast forward 20 years and every day I still see that same farm boy I met so long ago. He has never tried to be anything other than who he is. Neither of us were looking for love, love found us. I believe that because we were not looking for someone to complete our lives, we were able to be ourselves. Every relationship is different and while I would say that marring someone 5 months after you have met them is not the advice I would give to someone, the most important advice I would give someone is to make sure you are getting married for the right reasons. Don’t marry because you are lonely, because all your friends are married or because you are unhappy with your life. Marriage will not solve any of those issues. Have a good sense of the person you are going to marry. See how they handle disappointment, anger and hard times. Make sure you don’t see their potential and think you are going to somehow change them. If there are any red flags do not think that marriage will take care of them. If you do not love them as they are then love yourself enough to walk way.

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Electronic Advances During My Lifetime

My husband and I were listening to a radio station the other day and they asked, “What were the top three personal electronic created in your life time”. After giving it some thought I would have to say the personal computers, cell phones and digital cameras.

Personal computers have been a part of my life since the early 80’s. I bought my first home desk top computer back in 1982. It was a “Tandy” which was Radio Shacks brand name. The thing weighed a ton and costs a few thousand dollars. The only printers were dot-matrix.  They basically had no memory and everything had to be saved to a 5 ½ inch floppy disk. There was no ability to multitask. You put in a game disc and played that game. When you were done playing that game you put in your word processing disc, at the time “WordStar” was the most commonly used program. There were a few other very basic simple programs you could use like a budget calculator. But most all programs costs a lot of money so you only bought what you had to have.

I got my first modem around 1986. It was an external modem that hooked up to your computer then to your phone jack. It was a 300 baud dial up modem and the Internet consisted of a few bulletin boards you could call into and talk “chat” with other computer geeks. It took so long to boot the computer up that unless you had a specific task; it sat there like a big eye sore in the room. Getting on the Internet was always a gamble. Often the lines were busy and you could not log in. When you were able to log in it was a long drawn out process and long distances charges were applied to your phone bill.

I remember my first cell phone, I bought it around 1990. The thing is bigger than most handbags and weighed about 5 pounds. It had a case with a battery in it that was the size of a small car battery and two cords came out of it. One cord plugged into the car lighter and the other one was attached to a full size hand held phone with a dial pad. Reception was spotty at best. You could use it without plugging  it into the lighter, but the battery life was about 30 minutes. The only mobile electronic gadget that I owned that was bigger than my cell phone was my camcorder. The case was about the size of a carry-on luggage bag and weighed a ton. It also had a battery pack in the case (the battery was good for about 3 hours, if it was fully charged). You would prop this huge camera on your shoulder (like the ones they use to film movies) and a cord connected the camera to the battery. Good luck if you could hold that thing on your shoulder for 3 hours. It only took the full size VCR tapes, which you could run home and place in your VCR so that you could watch your amateur shaky movie on TV.

Fast forward 25 years, when I want to use the computer, I grab my laptop, open it and I am instantly online. I can have several programs at once and jump between them at will. It has more memory than I could ever fill, even if I downloaded every picture and song ever I wanted to keep.  And the Internet has the answer to just about any question you have.  You can find the most obscure things on it and even use it to “Skype” with people around the world. My cell phone fits in the palm if my hand and can be used for days without being recharged. And to call it a phone, by definition, does not even begin to describe all the ways it can be used. I love the games, calendar and alarm features. People use it as a GPS, to log onto the Internet and to send text messages. I also have a camcorder that takes still pictures or digital videos. It fits in the palm of my hand as well and runs off of 3 AA batteries. However, since my phone also acts as a voice recorder, camera and video camera, I very seldom have a real need for it. 

I remember back to the 80's and 90's when these three items were introduced to the public for personal use. I thought they were so advanced and made life much easier. I never dreamed they would advance so fast and become so much more useful, accessible, inexpensive, and part of just about everyone's daily life. I included pictures of what those first items looked like back in the day. Depending on your age, I am sure your answer to that question may be different than mine. But those are the three most helpful electronic advances during my lifetime. How would you answer that question?

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Living The Rural Life

I lived in the Los Angles, California area for most all of my life. Twenty years ago I met my husband and moved to Missouri where he was born and lived all his life. The farm has been in his family since before the Civil War. While I have visited farms and even vacationed at “Dude Ranches”, I could never have imagined all the work that goes into living on a farm. My first culture shock was living a rural life.

I remember I use to drive from L.A. to Las Vegas and would see those houses out in the middle of nowhere and wonder to myself, "how do they survive"? No neighbors, no stores or gas stations for miles. It had to be a scary and lonely existences. When I moved to the farm I found myself living in one of those places that I always wondered about. I soon found out it requires a lot of planning ahead. When the nearest store is 25 miles away, you make every trip count. I make sure that I have all my lists ready to go before I ever leave the house. I schedule doctor appointments, visits to the pharmacy, grocery shopping, getting gas and all the other odds and ends earns so that I do not find myself having to make an extra trip to town.

I am lucky that my husband has lived this life all his years so he is well versed in this life style and very self sufficient. Our house is all electric (some people out here have propane, but when we built the house my husband said that is just an extra bill so we went all electric). The only problem with that is we have live in tornado alley so we lose our electric power about once a month, sometimes for a few minutes sometimes for a few days. Knowing this, my husband put in a wood burning fireplace and hooked it up to the duct system. In the winter we can burn wood to keep warm. Even if it falls to 10 degrees outside, we can keep the house at around 65 degrees. We have a little propane camping stove that we can use to make coffee and some simple hot meals. We always have extra canned food and bottled water as well as extra 50 pound bags of dog food in case the roads are too bad to drive on.

In the summer it gets in the 90’s and 100’s with the heat index from 110 to 120 degrees. I can say I never thought I would ever look forward to a cold shower, but on those days there is nothing better. Since I have lived here I have done things I never dreamed I would do. I am my husband’s barber, I know one style, a buzz cut. Lucky for him that is the way he likes his hair. I have learned to groom the dogs, drive a tractor, run a riding lawn mower, build a fence and vaccinate the dogs and livestock.  Things I never gave a second thought about are now second nature to me.

 I use to go get my hair and nails done every month. I now do my own hair and nails. My wardrobe changed from suits, jewelry and matching handbags and shoes to blue jeans, boots and tee-shirts. As far as jewelry I have limited it to just my wedding rings. In the summer my wardrobe changes to cut off blue jeans and, tank tops and sandals. Handbags were replaces by pockets. My husband tells me if it can't fit in your pocket, you can make it through the day without it. To my surprise, he was right. I can make it just fine with my keys, phone and chap stick. 

When I compare my life in California to my life in Missouri, I think I like life in Missouri a lot better. It is far less cluttered and complicated. When I need to go to the Dept. of Motor vehicles I don’t have to have an appointment or wait in line for two hours. In fact most of the time I am the only one in the place and there is no waiting. Same thing at the post office and stores. The big difference is traffic. Often times I may be the only car on the road instead of always being stuck in a traffic jam. When I walk into a store, utility office, post office or just about anyplace else, they know me by name and I am treated as a friend rather than just another customer. 

While we do not have many neighbors, everyone knows each other for miles around and if I need anything I can pick up the phone and call any of them and they come running. But what I love the most is that I can walk out into my yard and during the day I can see bright blue skies for miles. At night I can look up at and see every star in the sky and hundreds of fireflies. I hear the crickets, frogs and birds, see wildlife run across the yard and hear the farmers on their tractors in the far distances.  It is very peaceful and quiet here in the country.  I still enjoy going to California to visit my family and friends. But I am always happy when it is time to return home to Missouri. 

Our New Dog

We had a dog that was a member of our family for over 8 years. In January we lost him to an illness. He was a beautiful 120 pound black lab. Duke was a rescue animal that and quickly became my husband’s farming and hunting partner.  He was a very well behaved gentle giant. Duke and my husband were connected at the hip. The only place Duke did not go with us was to doctor visits and grocery shopping. Our hearts were broken when we lost Duke. The one thing we were glad about was when the vet told us how serious his medical condition was but assured us he was not in pain. We decided not to put him down. We brought him home and set the alarm so we could give him his medication 4 times a day. We feed him by using a tube and he loved being outdoors so my husband would pick him up and carry him outside several times a day to lay under his favorite tree.

When Duke peacefully passed at home, we used the backhoe and dug a place under his favorite tree, in our front yard, and laid Duke to rest. Duke loved peanut butter wafer bars and we put two of them in with him before saying good bye. It was a very sad and difficult day for us. My husband missed Duke’s company so much. In April we talked about maybe looking at some of the shelters for a new friend. We have a 3 pound Pomeranian that we rescued the same day we rescued Duke. We needed to make sure that whoever we added to our family that Missy would accept as well.

In April and May we passively looked, asking a few friends of ours that were vets if they knew of anyone that knew of a dog. Everyone told us they would keep a look out for someone that had a litter of pups that they were not expecting.  Last week one of our vet friends called and said that someone had dumped off what appeared to be a 1 year old full blooded healthy Siberian Husky. We took Missy and went to meet this guy. He took to my husband right away and after a smelling game, Missy seemed to think he was okay as well. So Wednesday June 5^th we brought him home to our farm.

We have done a lot of reading up on his breed and have spent the last few days getting to know him.  It seems he has been kept outside on a chain and was surprised that he could come in the house and that he has his own bed. He seems very smart and full of energy. We have spent time taking him for walks around the farm on a lead and working with him to sit, lay and come to us. My husband decided to let him out to go for a run yesterday and boy did he run. We looked for him for well over an hour and thought he was gone for good. When we returned home he was laying at the front door waiting for us.

It is clear that we have a lot of work with him ahead of us but we are looking forward to him having the run of the farm. It is the start of a new chapter in our lives and his. He seems happy and at home here and we are happy that he is now a member of our family. We look forward to the day when he can go farming and hunting without being on a lead. I feel in my heart that he is looking forward to that day as well. We have tried a few names with him and the only thing he seems to respond to is Boy and Good Boy. So for now that is what we call him and that makes him wag his tail, which make us know we made a great choice for all of us.

Finding You Real Dream

Thinking back to when I was in high school, I remember all the dreams I had for my life and none of them included living in Missouri, marrying a farmer, or having a chronic illness. I was sure I would always live in California, become a famous writer, marry a movie star, drive a brand new sports car, live in a mansion and live a very happy life.  As each year passed by, I adjusted my dreams. I soon learned that missing a day of school just met that I received an absent on my school record, but missing a day of work met a day without pay. Bills no longer were addressed to my parents, they were addressed to me. New cars equaled payments and higher insurance. The bigger the house the more it cost to keep it up and the longer it took to clean. Again I adjusted my dreams.

Being rich and famous took a backseat to being able to support myself and finding someone that loved me for the person I am. In time, I discovered that you can’t find happiness. Happiness is a state of mind. No matter your circumstances only you can choose whether to focus on the good or the bad. My preference is to look for the good and make the most out of whatever life sends my way. So you may ask am I living the dream. Yes, not the one I had in my younger years. I am living dream that is better than anything I could have thought up.

Friends

Friends, what a vague word. We use it to describe such a large group of people in our lives. The dictionary defines a friend as, 1. A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts; an acquaintance. 2. A person with whom one is allied in a struggle. 3. A person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard. 4. A person who gives assistance; patron; supporter. To me a friend is all of the above and then some. They are also someone you can disagree with and they respect your honesty. Someone you do not have to smile for, when you really feel like crying. They are those that you can talk to without telling them this is just between the two of you, because that goes without saying. They are the ones that will stand next to you in the worst of time or beside you even when you are wrong. If you miss step, they wait until you are in private to tell you that you messed up.

A lot of people feel as if they have to be invited to every party, event, and be the center of attention surrounded by groups of friends. But to me, I would much rather have two or three friends than a room full of what I call, friends for appearance sake. My phone does not have to ring off the hook and my schedule does not have to be full for me to know that I am important to my friends. I am more interested in the quality of the people I call friends that the quantity. I believe I am a great friend, but I know I cannot be a great friend to a lot of people. My friends know that I am always there for them, no matter what time it is, the distance between us or the situation and I know my friends feel the same way about me. I have hundreds of people in my life that I often interact with, but I save the title of friend for those few special people in my life.

Today is my first day blogging. While I am a grandmother, and I live in a very rural area on a farm, I attempt to keep up with the latest modes of communication. I am active on Facebook, check my e-mail everyday as well as my Twitter account and I have even been known to text now and again. However, blogging is new to me and my generation.

Life on the farm brings new adventures everyday. I grew up a city girl in Southern California, so living in a small town in the Mid-West, on a farm has been an experience. But, now that I have been here for 20 years I can say that I am a country girl at heart. There is so much more to farming than I could have ever dreamed about. This season of my life has shown me that the simple things are sometimes the most meaningful things.